i am pushing up hill so hard just to make sure i dont slide back down to the bottom. to be honest im pretty close to the bottom at most times but some days i get this weird random strength and i wanna push that damn boulder uphill so hard i might gain a few inches towards the top…. the top of what i assume is a hill. i need it to be a hill. because a hill has a top. it has a crest. it has a place where pushing uphill is no longer required. even a plateau would be nice. i said, last year some time, that i felt like i was finally done pushing uphill. like i didnt feel that damn boulder weighing me down and that i could sense the relief coming that muscles and bones feel after being used far past their capacity. that lightness that is almost false. the relief of knowing you did the pushing, and the gasping for air. you worked at the uphill part for so long that that there was rest. i thought i had reached that. it felt so good. it wasnt even just good it was great. it was wonderful. it was ethereal and i kept waiting for it to end. i am not a pessimist. i am a optimistic realist. i hope for the best and expect what realistically will happen. and in my life, good things ending is realistic. so i kept waiting for it to end, while trying desperately to enjoy that time of goodness… of greatness… of wonderful joy… and i did. at least part of my brain did. the part that isnt always in a slight state of panic. i am always in a slight state of panic. i live in unrest, uncertainty, in fear. its exhausting but i feel like it keeps me a the ready… and i know now that isnt unjustified. because it ended. the resting. the not pushing the boulder. somehow, in the blink, or maybe a slow gradual resting of my eyes, i am back on the slope, back to pushing the boulder. i feel like it was all of a sudden, but surely it wasnt. time moves in weird waves that are often slow and calm and then sometimes choppy and unexpected. but in any case of my accuracy, here i am. pushing that damn boulder. and i can tell you, no question, it is damn exhausting. the shitty thing, the thing that makes it so much harder to deal with, is that i did nothing to return to my position on this hill. my body is giving up on me. i dont know why. i dont have answers. i dont know what to do but keep pushing. i was told by a wise person that it is pointless to find blame. its not my own fault my body is breaking down. it is not the doctor’s fault they are unable to produce answers. its not some other person… someone i keep searching for to pin the blame on for my physical mystery problems. its no one’s fault, so i need to give up looking for someone to blame. some part of me just wants to know who is at fault here. i want someone to be responsible so i have someone to be angry at. someone other than myself. because it feels like it is my fault i am once again pushing this boulder uphill. it feels like i somehow without meaning to did this thing to myself. and i am SO tired. not just physically, but emotionally, and in all other possible ways a person can be tired. i want to give up, and stop pushing. i want the weight of this damn boulder off of me. but i know, and logic confirms this, that if i stop pushing, and turn to head down the hill, the boulder will crush me. honestly some days… that sounds ok. some days i think maybe just getting it over with and letting the boulder finish me is better than the pain and exhaustion of pushing. i wont use the phrase “its not fair” because theres no real basis of comparison. each person has struggles. but sure as shit it feels unfair. i had finally gotten to my hilltop. i had finally reached the plateau. I was finally experiencing rest and joy. and i have reverted to the boulder pushing. and its too much. and i worry soon i will have to give up. a person only has so much “oomph” in them. people say i am stronger than i give myself credit for, but i worry they are being kind. and kindness doesnt help a girl push a boulder. i miss that hilltop.